I hope one day I’m truely happy and I find someone who will love me for me. Sometimes I feel so fucking stupid for letting others use me so I can just have someone there. I deserve so much more. I deserve someone who loves me and cherishes me and who isn’t trying to hide me from the world. I know I’m a good, kind, caring person but I wish others would see that too. I wish they would see me. I wish I was heard. I want someone to love me. I want to love me. Why can’t I love me?
I always thought things would be different and I’d be in a different place. I feel so lost and I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel stuck in a routine and I don’t know how to get out. I always go out of my way to help other hoping they would do the same for me but that’s never the case. I always end up getting used and I keep allowing it to happen. I keep hoping there’s good in others but the truth is there isn’t. Everyone just fends for themselves. And looks out for themselves. Yet I keep hoping I’d get treated better and I keep hoping I’m wrong but 30 years later and I feel like a fucking idiot for believing that. Sometimes I think about what life would’ve been like had I died when I was 5 or 8 or 16 or 25, like I was supposed to. Maybe things would be better maybe Adrian would’ve gotten the attention he needed and he would be in a better place. Or maybe Juanito wouldn’t have had to do what he had to do to keep me alive. Maybe he would’ve gotten the attention he needed, instead of being left alone to fend for himself. Sometimes I do wish I would’ve died. Sometimes I wish my mom would’ve had that abortion. I’m 30 and I have nothing. I feel like I’ve lived for nothing. I have nothing. No degree, husband, kids, hobbies, self worth. I feel like I have no one. I feel like I have nothing. I always try to put other happiness above mine but end up hurting myself. But I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. What have I done in life to deserve to be happy? Nothing. I feel so alone. I continuously let myself get used and convince myself it’s ok. But deep down inside I know it’s not. I don’t know why I always put other needs above mine. Do I actually deserve happiness? Happy 30th Birthday.
